So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
