thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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