He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
You are a genius and a whore.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
