people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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