At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
