Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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