Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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