JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
