I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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