I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
