Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
