Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
