turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
