I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
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What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
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Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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