Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
