I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
