Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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