I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
