Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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