i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
