i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
