All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
