god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
