i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
