Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
