You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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