Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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