this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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