I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
