i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I party with great urgency now.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
