YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
