My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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