And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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