Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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