I bet he comes in French.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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