one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
