Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
