I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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