She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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