And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
