it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
