Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
