I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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