my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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