I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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