Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
