Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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