LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
