I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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