she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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