Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
