I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
