I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So squirting runs in the family.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
