she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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