If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
