if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
