areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
there was a trapeze. enough said
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
