i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
