Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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