i need an iv and a liver transplant
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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